Another year comes to a close. Well in Time speak it does. So where has my past 365 days gone?
I have constantly wondered that as each month ended and new one began.
Here are some actual things that shaped my year.
January 2014: I was, like now, counting down the hours ( yes 125 to go) to my 49th birthday. I was on my own and hoping, like, hell, this would be the year for ‘Mr right’.
(this explains exactly how i felt most of the year.)
The weather was usual; for this region. HIGH 32 C + most days with the ‘odd’ break and light shower. Ohh and the odd dust storm or two.
There had been bushfires and storms. It was my nieces 14th birthday, the kids went back to school and the twins went to Mt Buller for a whole year of school at Timbertop. Yep the twins go to a private school.
I had yet to see my father but had spoken many times on the phone to him.. He was having some problems with his left shoulder and a cough that he could not quite shake. Although he was still riding his bike and walking Molly twice a day.
Valentines Day rolled around and I found my cynicism on red hot high… URGHH!!!
Happy note it was nieces 14th birthday . Plans were hatched for me to visit in 2 weeks and we would celebrated the 14th with my nephews 18th birthday… Anxiety hit hard….what do I get the 18 yr old??
MARCH: This was the worse time of my, and siblings lives, our father suddenly felt unwell, his shoulder was painful and he could not sleep. Then he had trouble breathing.
My sister took him to emergency, I was rung – a very fast road trip took place. 689 kms’ in apx. 5 hours. The next day was my nephews 18th. He was told that grandpa was sick. In reality he was in ICU ONCOLOGY.. 3 and 1/2 days later my father passed away in front of us. I cannot explain the grief…
MARCH / APRIL : 2 funerals were held for my father. Another niece turned 10 and her other grandfather had a heart attack whilst driving a car and ended in ICU. So easter was totally forgotten. by all of us.
MAY / JUNE / JULY: We all stumbled through these months. I know I was sick with a bad bout of shingles and flu. In that time I had met someone. Very very casual dinners, camping, and relaxing were shared. At the time I did not even realise it was doomed from day one. Had the ‘old rose colored glasses ‘ on. BUT it was so good to go to sleep with another next to me, getting a massage, and to wake up finding us holding hands or cuddling, or all the great meals we both cooked.
These months were compounded by a fight over my fathers estate and legal action. Consequently that brother is no longer part of my life, never really was.
AUGUST / SEPTEMBER: Legal stuff was settled. We all started to grieve a bit less. It would have been Dads 81st birthday. My sister and one of the girls went to Thailand for a holiday, J (bro in law) went to Byron Bay for surfing trip- only it rained the whole time he was there. Our mother slipped a bit more into dementia and a vegetated state. I begun to plan my trip for dad to Queensland. (You can read about it way down in earlier blogs on this site )
OCTOBER: The ‘friendship was disintegrating before my eyes. He said sex was terrific but I kinda ‘bored him’ and we ‘apparently’ suddenly did not have much in common… where that all came from to this day I am unsure of..
So i headed on MY SOJOURN TO THE OUTBACK.… mind you he still checked in most days wanting to know what I had done/ seen/ been/ eaten..
The trip was exciting, interesting, and everything I really thought Australia looked like.. Even though I tried to “let go” , “move on” I found I could not. Maybe because I was still ill. Then a day I reached my destination.. I finally cried . My dad said it was ok to do so and I did. Some of my grief subsided. Although the depression did not go too far away. It would have been nice to share all of this with someone.
The UPSIDE OF THIS MONTH : was I bite the bullet and began to write again, AND I found WordPress.
I discovered all of you.. So i am ‘not an idiot who loves to write’ – to quote a person; who obviously does not enjoy words.
NOVEMBER / DECEMBER: Austin (ROMP) was my saviour. His blogs about Halloween and christmas re ignited a desire to live life; again. I had some really great laughs at them. Mark filled me with curiosity about Syracuse and beyond. Colleen made me feel all warm and welcome with her love for life in Florida. Jacke Wilson re ignited my interest in literature, libraries, philosophy. I read many others including Without Grains – yum those recipes are great, Books, Baking and Blogging from the Netherlands, Twenty and Young, The Daily rite, Blogging 101, and too many others to mention.
Again I just wanted to jump on a plane and meet them. In between I slowly mended myself. Yep! western medicine is a scam.
AND then there was the discovery of the truly wonderful Eddie Two Hawks. Who reintroduced me to the very wise words of Bhagvad Gai, Lao tzu and enlightenment, spirituality and ensured me it was ok to think like that.
So it is now 2015 and:
I realised that after many years of trying to ‘fit in’ ;I now do not care for all of those naysayers. I beginning to believe in me again.
I believe in spirits and spirituality.
I believe that the Buddhists do know a thing or two about life.
I believe I do have something to give.
I do believe I have compassion and I AM a selfless person.
I am an intelligent woman, about to turn 50. Who likes to cook, and also likes to be wined and dined, will watch a movie or 2 and knows how to relax.
I have lived life – as PINK sings “so what..” and will continue to do so because I want to, not because “You are making me to.”
Ok – I suck in the finances department BUT I have survived, some how, this far.
AND YES – YES – YES – I do like to write.
I do love books.
I do love to learn new things.
I do not fit into any real stereotypical mould.
I do regret not having children but hey thats is the way the cookie crumbles.
I do know I have had some form of depression all my life but for most of it have coped with it and used it.
I am only going to exercise when I ‘feel’ like it. No more ridiculous gym sessions etc. because I look great for a woman my age… I ain’t got booty but my breasts are firm and just nice, my eyes are sapphire and I am ageing like a fine bottle of wine.
It is a new beginning – I think